Dog Snuggie

Once again the history of the dog snuggie is filled with controversy. Safety advocates are warning that static build-up in the materials used in the doggie snuggie manufacturing process may result in severe electrical shock to the dog as anyone touching the dog at the time of discharge. The safety experts are stating that the electrical shock could result in temporary paralysis, long-term involuntary twitching, spastic fits, and even death.

Federal Trade Commission (FTC) spokesman, Thumup U. Ranus, has confirmed in a press conference earlier this morning that the FTC is taking the snuggie for dogs safety issues very seriously and will be launching a full-fledged investigation in to the matter.

Sven Hundsreich, representing the manufacturers of dog snuggies, has stated,

“In the original design of the dog snuggie it was discovered that mild shocks did indeed occur under certain circumstances but we, the manufactures of the dog snuggie, deemed that said minor static shock was beneficial as it killed all fleas and ticks on the pet, rendering the need of a flea-and-tick collar, with its undesired toxic chemicals, unnecessary.”

Dog Snuggie Controversy May Result in Further Cat Riots

Political experts and animal activists are watching the snuggie for dogs situation closely, concerned about a leaked report that the high level of static electricity is again proof that the dog snuggie is indeed made of cat fur. Physicist, Ima S. Marty, one of the co-authors of the report, spoke out,

“We placed a dog snuggie into a Faraday Cup to shield the snuggie from outside electrical influences and then, utilizing a Coulomb Meter we were able to measure the level of electric discharge emitted from the dog snuggie. We performed a similar number of tests with cat fur donated to us by the local Chinese food restaurant and it was found that the level of static charge in the dog snuggie, when compared with cat fur, was almost identical.”

When questioned about the the dog snuggie report, Hundsreich responded, “This only proves that cats are the most synthetic creatures around and not that dog snuggies are made from cat fur.”

One of the leaders in the cat riots of a few weeks ago, Violi N. String, cousin to Pussy Galore, famous for her role in the James Bond film, Octapussy, was seen to be organizing her pussy cat followers and some of the Siamese Guard were noticed carrying placards on which “Kill the Dog Snuggie” were seen to be written.

Whitney Houston Cause of Death a Dog Snuggie?

This week it appears that controversy and dog snuggies go hand-in-hand.

Rumors are abounding that Whitney Houston’s cause of death may be attributed to her allergy to cat fur that may have been worn by her dog in the form of a dog snuggie and that her nasal problem was due to the dog snuggie and not to rampant cocaine use.

Lawyer, Mike Oxstiff, representing Whitney Houston’s estate, read from a prepared statement at a press conference this morning stating that rumors that Ms. Houston died of an allergic reaction to a dog snuggie or that Ms. Houston had a fur ball in her throat at the time of her death are categorically denied. There is no evidence showing that Whitney Houston’s cause of death was a dog snuggie or an allergic reaction to cat fur and, at this time, the cause of Whitney Houston’s death appears to parallel the deaths of certain crack whores and not dog snuggie users.

Chief of Police, a former army officer, Maj. Lee Gay confirmed that the Hollywood Police Department will do everything in their power to conclude the investigation of Ms. Whitney Houston’s death whilst ensuring public safety in the event of further cat riots over dog snuggie controversy.

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Heavy riots by felines have broken out throughout the United States after it was reported that the dog snuggie is allegedly made from the fur of cats. It is estimated that over 40,000 cats were involved and that as many as 3,400 cat lives have been lost (one cat alone having lost 7 of his lives), although no final fatalities have been reported at this juncture in the upheaval. The situation remains tense as officials have stated that they will investigate the situation to discover the truth behind the rumor that dog snuggies are made from cat fur.

A spokesperson for the manufacturers of the dog snuggie, Sven Hundsreich spoke to the media whilst angry mobs stood outside chanting, “Down with Snuggies!” and “Snug Cats Not Dog Snuggies!” Police called in reinforcements when it was discovered that many of the mob were in possession of cat nip gas bombs.

In his prepared statement, Hundsreich stated, “By Google’s Hammer, under no circumstances do we currently use the fur of cats in our dog snuggie manufacturing process. We only use the cheapest of synthetic fibers in our dog snuggies.” Sources within the FBI that we have spoken with under the condition of anonymity have suggested that the images of the caged cats are from the back alley outside of a restaurant near where the snuggies for dogs are made and not to be used in the making of snuggies but for Chop Suey Surprise.

In spite of Hundreich’s reassurances, the conflict reached new heights as Nyan Cat came to avenge his fallen comrads, zapping any and all dogs seen to be wearing snuggies. All cats paused for a minute of silence as Nyan Cat was hacked down by a mysterious machete weilding doggie in the midst of the battle.

The FTC has stated that they have commenced an investigation into the dog snuggie manufacturing process and have supeonaed documents from Dog Snuggie makers. Although they are not willing to state anything conclusive due to the ongoing investigation, the FTC did say that, in these initial stages of the investigation, there is no evidence that the cats in question were used for anything other than Chinese food or violin strings and not dog snuggies.

Dogsnugs.com undertook to have independent tests conducted by a private biochemistry firm with a home chemistry set and has discovered that the materials currently used in the manufacture of the dog snuggie contained no cat fur or other natural materials and that the synthetic dog snuggies are estimated to have a half-life of 940 years.

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